BITCHING ABOUT LIFE WITH ERIC AND DAMON
by ceiyn
Summary: Title pretty much says it all, lol. Hope you enjoy it. The T rating is for cursing, mild sexual references, and alcohol use - what I would expect from both of them. Not yaoi


A light mist fell on the fog-covered graveyard, the heavy darkness shot through with the occasional beam of a florescent streetlight. Two men sat on old grave stones, drinking their alcoholic beverage of choice.

Damon Salvatore sighed, "Well, I guess we are just two tortured soul badasses, huh?"

"Yeah, I could kick your ass though."

"Yeah, I know." Damon's face flinches slightly, accompanyied with a quick widening of his light blue eyes.

"What the hell is up with us never getting the girl, though?" Eric Northman asks with a frustrated snarl. "I mean, we've been around for how long and look this hot and actually have a sense of humor and style and are oozing sexiness and yet, SOMEHOW, we still can't get the girl?!"

"Yeah, what the hell is up with that?! Plus the writers have sacrificed and re-written my character like a hundred times."

"That's when you know you are on a cheap show, when they can't even hire writers who have the fucking guts to make something original, and instead create a fucking generic soap-opera. I'm so glad I ended up on HBO, where you get to be naked, and the writing is good too."

"All of this," Damon runs his hand down his black t-shirt covered, perfectly chiseled chest and abs, "wasted on a show that uses up its time recycling the same old plot over and over again."

"And no one ever seems to have any brains on this show. No, Elena, go ahead and go by yourself with that all-powerful, original vampire, because that's a great idea. Because he so is not going to kidnap you and hold you for some dumb reason at the threat of death or at least betray you in some way. Noooo, it makes total sense that you should go and hang out with him because you feel soooo fucking sorry for him or somehow _feel_ that he'll be on your side." He rolled his eyes. "You would think that after the fiftieth time of the same scenario happening that she would either be dead or get a fucking clue, but no, we just have to run through it over and over and over again. And somehow, the supremely god-like beautiful me is in love with this idiot bitch. If it wasn't for the writers - or lack thereof - of the show I would have been on my way, biting and fucking my way across Europe. Why the hell would I stay in this stupid fucking po-dunk town anyways – or why would any of these people. After their first few friends and relatives had been killed they would have moved to a different town with a much lower mortality rate. With all this incredible raw material, this is the best they can do?"

"My God, Damon, you really know how to run your mouth." Eric takes another long swig of his big bottle of vodka. "This Sookie bitch that I've had to chase around everywhere is as much of a hair-brain as your Elena. Her fae blood almost makes up for it, but not really. After you drink her blood you still have to hear her talk. It almost makes me crave my true death just listening to her drivel on about all of her inferior friends and all of their idiotic problems."

"We are far and away hotter and sexier than Bill or Stephen, and yet we somehow don't get the girl. We both have a sense of humor, and almost definitely are better in bed. Who decided that male protagonists now must be incredibly boring and not very hot. Why can't we be the main characters? We are so much more interesting and sexually desirable. Who was it that decided that women want boring guys?" Damon threw his empty bottle of incredibly expensive brandy at a nearby gravestone.

"Probably some old male human in an office somewhere, having his, what do they call it? That time when human males start to get old and panic about it?" Eric scratched the back of his head.

"Mid-life crisis," Damon grinned.

"Yes, that is it," Eric laughed. "Ahh, fuck it. I am done with all this moaning." he snorted, "I've heard that there are some hot pieces of ass down at this bar like five minutes from here. Let's go get something to drink and fuck."

"Ok, but I am definitely picking the hotel this time. That ancient shit-hole you picked out I'm pretty sure had centuries old semen on the bed-cover." Damon cringed, feeling for his hand wipes in his pocket.

"Ahh, good times …" Eric smiled sentimentally. "Remember those girls? The red-head I had was very good, sweet with a bit of a kick."

"Yeah, the two blondes I had were good too, but I am getting tired of this shit. How long can a person live without contributing anything to society? I think I might just go to college for awhile. With all the time we have, I might just invent something interesting. Plus the women there are fun, and who can't enjoy the parties?" Damon smirked a bit.

"I understand, I had such desires as a young vampire myself, but the vampire trouble will follow you wherever you go Damon, don't forget it. That will make it difficult to study." Eric slanted his eyes at Damon, his big body lethargically slouched, not looking anywheres near his thousand years of age.

Damon grinned, "I think that that will just make it more fun. Besides, I need to get away from Elena, she is killing me with all this back and forth crap. Once again, the only girl I ever loved doesn't love me, for some inexplicable reason. Fuck it, I am definitely college-bound. Elena definitely will not be there, thank God. It'll be a miracle if she makes it through high school." He rolled his eyes sarcastically. "As I have always said, 'love is painful and way over-rated.'"

"I could not believe all the bullshit they put you through over vampire-Barbie's father, who was an obvious threat. You were correct to kill him and yet you receive so much flak over it? Sometimes your brother is as idiotic as any common blood-bag," Eric shook his head and took another swig. "I don't know how you put up with the human imbeciles that you have to deal with. And when you actually apologized for giving your human your blood when you knew she was about to be killed by the 'originals' – you saved her life. Tch, such bullshit. You owe that pathetic _human_ nothing. I'm hungry. It is bar-hopping time." They both rose and began swaggering down the street.

"You see, my friend, we are _vampires_, we need to behave as such." Eric slung an arm around Damon's shoulders. "The world is ours to do with as we please."

"Our nice juicy oyster," Damon cocked an eyebrow. They both chuckled and disappeared into the fog and mist.


End file.
